Lessons I’ve Learned About Cultivating Good Friendships

I argued with God in my mind, complaining about the lack of reciprocity in one particular friendship. I went on and on about how much I gave and how little I received. I even had specific arguments and occasions to bring up as proof of ill usage by my friend. Until God completely stopped me in my tracks. You’re acting like she owes you her friendship. That’s not the way it works, Anna. Friendship is a gift that is freely given and a blessing that is received.

Needless to say, my internal argument with God trailed off. I was immediately out of steam and feeling pretty bad about my internal behavior and attitudes toward my friend. I had been feeding an internal, negative loop towards her, and each time I saw her I could feel all this gunk come to the surface. But after God challenged me with this thought, I had to decide to let go. 

This has been one of the biggest challenges I’ve had to face when building intentional friendships and community. The beauty of friendship is that it is a gift freely given and a blessing received. There are no strings attached if one is to love genuinely like Jesus loved. How, then, can we learn to cultivate intentional community and thriving friendships? While this is a lesson I am still in the process of learning, here are some of the things I’ve discovered. I pray that they bless you and help you cultivate strong relationships.

Friendship Is a Gift

When someone offers you a gift, the polite thing to do is to receive it with open hands. You take it without complaints, you don’t throw it back in the giver’s face, and (depending on what it is) you enjoy it. The same goes for friendship. When someone offers it, you take it with open hands and enjoy it. But just like you wouldn’t dream of going up to someone and demanding a gift “right this instant,” demanding friendship from people isn’t something that works.

This is also true when it comes to offering friendship. Like a gift, you can be thoughtful about it, give it with care and love to someone, but whether they like it or not is simply not up to you. Friendship is freely given, but whether it’s received or not is completely up to that person. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had understood this sooner!

Friendship Goes Both Ways

This leads me to the next lesson I’ve learned: friendship goes both ways. This is a very common saying, but I believe that it’s important to understand the balance here. It is important to realize that we don’t have to invest more in a relationship than the other person is willing to invest. Yes, there can be seasons when a friend is going through a rough patch and needs someone to be there and show up. But these are merely seasons. If a friendship is in a perpetual imbalance, then it is time to rearrange priorities.

If a friend is investing less than you are, it could be healthy to take a step back. And you can do that without guilt and while still fully loving and caring for that person. You can step back while still remaining good friends. And if a person is investing way more than you can give at the moment, it might be a good idea to have a chat with them and share how you are experiencing the relationship. If this is the case, don’t be afraid of setting boundaries (though it may be easier said than done). You can do it little by little, step by step. If necessary, talk to a trusted mentor about it. Remember: friendship goes both ways!

There Are Different Kinds of Friends

Another thing that has helped me in my friendships is to realize that there are different kinds, or levels, of friends. Not everyone will be your best friend, and that is normal and healthy. Some people are acquaintances, others are fun friends, and a very few are intimate friends. It is important not to expect everyone in our lives to be in our “inner circle” of friendships, just like we must realize the value of having intimate friends who know us, love us, and will not be afraid to tell us the truth when we need to hear it.

An intimate friendship, for me, is what Proverbs 17:17 describes: a friend that is closer than family, and present through thick and thin. This type of friendship is a blessing. But remember, it cannot be forced.

“A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity.” – Proverbs 17:17 (NKJV)

Some Friends Are Forever, Some Friends Are for Now

In Hallmark’s When Calls the Heart, Rosemary (Elizabeth’s best friend) says: “Some people come into your life for a season, some for a reason, and some for a lifetime.” This quote has stayed with me. And it is so true of friendship! God blesses us with just what we need in different stages of our lives. And it is important to learn to hold onto things loosely, knowing that when God gives something, we can enjoy it, and if He asks us to let go, He has better things ahead for us.

Some friends will be forever, and others will be for a time only. That is ok! God gave us the capacity to love big, and we can trust Him to care for our hearts even in our relationships. In every season of life, we must embrace the friendships we have, love people like Jesus would, and surrender them to His plans and timing. In every friendship, we should ask God for discernment so as to know how to invest wisely in it.

Some Friends Can Give More Than Others

Similar to my point on how friendship goes both ways, I have learned that some friends can give more than others. This is a very human thing and a normal part of life. There will be friends who are in a place in their lives where they can be there emotionally. There are friends who can show up, go the extra mile, pray for you, encourage you, and sow into your life.

But there are also people who, at this point in their lives, cannot show up like this. Some don’t have the emotional bandwidth to sow into another person’s life because they are struggling to keep up with their own needs. Others will have the ability to give casual friendship, but aren’t in a place to offer more. And again, if friendship is a gift, then we cannot force someone to give more than they can. I’ve had to learn this through trial and error. As someone with a big heart, I’m always willing to give, and show up, and call others higher. But not everyone is in the same space, and like God reminded me, that is ok.

The key is to be discerning about how much to give to whom, and what to expect from others. Everyone is on their own journey and has their own capacity.

The Friend We Choose to Be Is Up to Us

The biggest lesson I have learned, and my main takeaway for you, is to remember that in relationships we won’t be able to control others, their emotions, their responses, or their attitudes. But what we can always control is the friend we choose to be and how we choose to show up for others.

1 Corinthians 13, the great love chapter, is usually used in a marriage context. But in its true context, it’s all about how to operate in the gifts and bless others in the body of Christ. Here, Paul describes genuine love like this: 

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NLT)

What would our friendships look like if we made this the foundation of our actions and attitudes? It’s been said many times before: Be the friend you wish you had. And it is very true. But more than that, let us be the kind of friend Jesus would have us be. Let us go the extra mile, celebrate loudly, and call others higher. Be a 1 Corinthians kind of friend.

Thanks for reading!
Anna

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Photo by William King on Unsplash