Learning to Receive Feedback and Offer Forgiveness

Welcome to part three of the mini series “Stronger Me, Stronger Church”. Today we will talk about feedback.

Some months back I heard of a consulting group that visited organizations and taught people to give better feedback. After years, they noticed that while it helped, it wasn’t fully successful. So they shifted their approach, and began teaching people not to give better feedback, but how to better receive feedback. They saw more positive changes in the organizations they helped when they created this shift.

I want to say that in this article I talk about feedback that is given with a mostly well-intentioned heart and in a relatively healthy environment. I realize that within certain spaces though, especially in ministry, there can be people who will come up to us simply to point out all the things we are doing wrong. My hope by writing on this topic isn’t to minimize the impact of harsh critics, but to better equip each and every one of us to learn to receive feedback well, regardless of where it is coming from and how it is being delivered.

I am, by no means, an expert on this topic. But as I researched, I found some fundamental keys that can help us become better at receiving feedback and become stronger people because of it.

To begin with, why is feedback important?

The Importance of Feedback

The Bible values feedback and counsel. In fact, Proverbs is full of instances that mention how a wise person will seek out counsel while the fool will ignore it. Time and time again the Bible highlights the importance of feedback.

“A wise man will hear and increase learning, And a man of understanding will attain wise counsel.” – Proverbs 1:5, NKJV

“Let the righteous strike me; It shall be a kindness. And let him rebuke me; It shall be as excellent oil; Let my head not refuse it. For still my prayer is against the deeds of the wicked.” – Psalm 141:5, NKJV

These are just a few verses on the subject. As sons and daughters of God, it seems that seeking wise counsel and listening to correction is a fundamental part of life. The Bible never shies away from highlighting the negative results of not heeding to discipline, rebuke or instruction. If we want to grow as Christians, feedback is essential.

While researching, I found an article from an online talk given by Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone, authors of Thanks for the Feedback. They share the following about the importance of feedback:

“First, it satisfies our drive to learn and grow. Because growth and mastery make life satisfying, fun, and stimulating, we should welcome feedback. It should feel joyous, and we should feel grateful for it. As we all know, however, feedback doesn’t always feel good. That’s because it can infringe on another fundamental human need: the need to be accepted, respected, and loved the way we are now.”

In a nutshell, feedback helps us grow, but it also crashes with our innate need to be accepted just as we are. This is where feedback gets messy.

Why Receiving Feedback Is So Hard

Heen, in her TEDx talk “How to Use Others’ Feedback to Learn and Grow”, explains that we struggle to receive feedback because of three main trigger reactions:

1. Truth trigger – “You are wrong.” You struggle to believe that the feedback is correct. Is it true? Is it good advice?
2. Relationship triggers – “Who are you to tell me?” You have a reaction to the person sharing the feedback, not so much the feedback that is being given.
3. Identity triggers – “What does this say about me?” This is your emotional reaction to the feedback and the story it tells about who you are. You struggle with the feedback because it says something about you that you disagree with or are insecure about.

Heen also shares that each person has a vastly different sensitivity to feedback. Some will take it, receive it, and go on with their lives as if nothing had happened. Others will be completely rocked by it and it will take them longer to get back on their feet.

When put like this, it explains a lot about why receiving feedback is so complex. Not only is feedback triggering to us when we hear it, but we will each receive and process it differently depending who is giving it, where it’s coming from, what it says about us and how we are emotionally wired.

How to Better Receive Feedback

So how do you become better at receiving feedback? If feedback is triggering on different levels and everyone receives it differently, what can we do to position ourselves to receive it with grace?

1. Have a humble attitude

Proverbs highlights that the wise not only receive feedback, but welcome it and actively seek it out. This means that you need to be humble to accept the fact that you don’t know everything. Humility should be our starting point.

“Before destruction the heart of a man is haughty, And before honor is humility.” – Proverbs 18:12, NKJV

2. Seek out feedback

If you want to be better at receiving feedback, then consciously seek out feedback. This will allow you to be prepared to receive feedback, since it’s not coming at you out of the blue.

Heen suggests that you ask the following question when seeking feedback: What’s one thing you see me doing—or failing to do—that is getting in my way?

Be specific. Seek out feedback about one area you want to grow in, and use this question. You will be given very specific feedback you can work on.

3. Pause and take a breath

When receiving feedback, it can be very tempting to speak out loud, disagree or defend yourself. Instead, pause and take a breath. There’s no hurry to react to feedback. In fact, the point is to grow and learn from the feedback.

4. Thank the person

It is important to thank the person who is giving you the feedback. Think about it. They are taking a huge risk approaching you with their opinion. And whether they are right or wrong, they are reaching out with something they perceive will be ultimately helpful to you and those around you.

I realize there are people who are simply mean, but not everyone who gives you feedback does it purely out of spite. So the next time someone gives you feedback, pause, take a breath, and give them a genuine thank you. They risked a lot by speaking up.

5. Repeat what the person says

To make sure you understand what the person is saying, repeat it back to them. You can say something like, “Thank you for sharing this with me. To be sure I’m understanding, you are saying that…” It would be dreadful if you left offended because you misunderstood what the person was trying to communicate. Aim for clarity.

6. Sit with it

You don’t need to figure it out right away. In fact, you most likely won’t always know what to do with feedback right that instant. But you can thank the person, and then ask them for some time to sit with it. You can say something like: “Thank you for sharing this. I’m going to need some time to think it through, but can we talk about it later?”

7. Follow up

This step is important. If you don’t ever come up with an action plan and if you don’t follow up, any feedback you get will be pretty useless. If you need time to sit with the feedback and told the person you would follow up later, actually do it. This will not only make you grow as a person, but it will ensure that people will continue to give you feedback. After all, if you always ignore feedback, sooner or later people will stop giving it to you and you will lose a valuable tool for growth.

8. Use discernment

Finally, I’d like to highlight the fact that as believers we have the Holy Spirit with us. Therefore, anytime we receive feedback, we can ask for His input and His advice. Do we doubt the truth behind the feedback? Ask the Holy Spirit to help you discern whether there is truth in it or not. Does it align with the Bible? If not, then you can safely toss it away.

Keep in mind that not everything a person says will be true or align with God’s Word or the things He has spoken over your life. This is when it is vital to bring all feedback to God and lay it at His feet. Let Him test the word and act accordingly. But don’t close yourself to the possibility that there could be 1% of truth in what the person just shared, even if 99% was incorrect. Use discernment.

Why Is Forgiveness Important?

The reality is that feedback will, inevitably, hurt us at some point. If that is the case, what should we do about it? This brings us to the second half of our journey: forgiveness.

I think this is where things not only get messy on a personal level, but potentially on a community level. Why? Because when someone hurts us with their words, we have two choices: forgive and let go or hold on and become bitter. Bitterness poisons us and those around us. Forgiveness releases us and those who hurt us.

“Looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.” – Hebrews 12:15, NKJV

The crux of the matter is that ultimately we are only responsible for ourselves, not the actions of others. And in order to be good stewards of ourselves, we have to learn to let go and forgive. In fact, Jesus said the following:

“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” – Matthew 6:14-15, NKJV

As children of God, we have been called to forgive if we want God to forgive us. This is serious business! And holding on to a grudge could lead to bitterness and not only the poisoning of ourselves, but of our communities.

How to Let Go of Painful Feedback

1. Take it to the Lord

Before you do anything, take it to God. Tell Him how it hurt you and let Him know everything going on in your heart.

2. Ask Him to speak His truth over the feedback

Then, ask God to speak His truth over the feedback you received. Let Him confirm it or refute it with His Word. But be open. Let God and His Word be the ultimate judge.

3. If needed, release forgiveness

Even if the person who gave the feedback just did it to hurt you, extend forgiveness.

4. Ask Holy Spirit for an action plan

Do you need to listen to the feedback? Then what will you do about it? Maybe bring it to a trusted leader and ask them to help you keep accountable in your action plan. If you need to discard the word, let it go and ask God to replace it with His truth. But if it was untruthful, do not hold on to it. Set a plan to toss it.

5. Set healthy boundaries if necessary

What if the person who gave the feedback just does it to hurt people? If you’ve already forgiven the person, but they keep coming back and what they say is untrue and hurtful to you and/or others, kindly share with them how their words are negatively impacting your life and ask them if there is a mutual solution you can arrive at. If the person refuses to change, then consider creating distance between you and them. If this is something happening in your church, work, or school, take it to a leader and kindly discuss what is happening. They might have some helpful advice for you or a solution you may not have thought of.

6. Follow up, or seek reconciliation when appropriate

If the feedback was true, but hurtful, when your heart is in a good place go and follow up with the person (if appropriate). Thank them, and tell them what you are doing to change. If it was hurtful and untrue, then once you’ve processed it seek reconciliation. Release the person and situation to God, and ask God to give you His vision for this person.

Above all, keep an open heart. The only way you will become a better person is by listening to feedback and learning to process it and apply it well. Remember: Christ forgave the people who were crucifying Him. We should follow His example, and even in the midst of pain.

Final Note

I realize that I’ve barely scratched the surface in this article, but my prayer is that you become better at giving and receiving feedback. If you’re interested in the articles and TEDx Talk I mentioned, I will leave the links below.

I’ll be back next week, where we will discuss the final topic in this mini-series, “Owning My Place in Church with Integrity”.

Anna

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Sheila Heen’s TEDx Talk

Learning From Feedback Without Losing Your Mind

How to Get Better at Receiving Feedback

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash